As I left church today I had a thought that I could not and still have not gotten out of my head...
I stand on the dusty road facing a man for the high noon shootout. This man is the coolest man in town, no one has beaten him ever! Everyone likes him and he has done many great things. As a stare him down he mocks me, he says "we have been here before, and you have never pulled the trigger, what makes you think you are going to do it today!?!"
Somehow as I stare him in the eyes, I can see his thoughts. He thinks about many things of this world, he is haveing a tremndous amount of fun as he does each one. He has many really cool memories from earthly things. He seems to be a really happy man. For a momment I actually wish I was him. I think to myself "I can not compete with him. He has never been beaten, he has so many friends, he is so cool."
I look around myself, I am alone, no one is cheering me on. I see someone or something, but I am not sure excatly what it is and I am sure not going to find out. It looks like it might be something that can help me, but na... I have to do this alone. I have to shoot him, but why? why are we even at this shootout?
I turn back to the man and look again, I see deeper in his thoughts, I see past the fake front, He is begging for someone to help him, something seems to be missing deep inside. He asking for someone to shoot him. He is not even going to draw his shooter, he is going to let me shoot him.
Flash back to the street, now his friends are mocking me! I am still all alone. Why am I alone?Finally he speaks.
He says to me, "you draw first, I am not going to shoot unless you draw first. I am not wasting my bullets on someone like you. Come on you wuss draw your shooter."
I am shaking, if a draw and lose I will die, if I draw and win everyone else will hate me for killin him. What do I do? I do what I have done everyother day I have stood here. (You see I have done this many days before and have never drawn the shooter.) I look down at the ground, turn around and walk away. Thinking... I will draw tomorrow, I will show everyone tomorow. Yet I know deep down that the next day will be the same as the last.
If you didn't already have it figured out. The cool guy is "cool me" the other is "christian me." You know the one that gets to come out on Sunday morning while "cool me" sleeps in and occasionaly when I hang out with other christians.
The question is, how do I kill "cool me" how do I pull the trigger. Is it possible to say that I don't like cool me, but I am scared to not be cool me anymore. I want him to die, but just not yet maybe later? But will later ever come? I struggle daily and for a time now I have lost the struggle daily.
I walk away from the shootout... patialy upset, partialy releived that I get to be cool me another day.
You know the biggest problem is each day, at the shootout I seem to get further away, I seem to have less ammo, the odds of me shooting cool me looks to be less with every passing day.
Thank you for posting your thoughts and struggle. I talked about this very thing in the 8:30 service and failed to talk about it in the 10:30 service.
It seems that the longer I go without dying to myself (my flesh, my ego, my selfishness...) the harder it is in the long run. I can identify with your struggle, and so could the Apostle Paul (see Romans 7). I have to remind myself that daily Christian living is really daily Christian dying (emphasis on "daily"). I'm finding the 'showdown' with myself is never easy, but it is easier once I've developed the habit of placing Christ in the place of prominence that He belongs.
I'm praying that both you and I can continually "go down in a blaze; for God's glory".
You see, I was on fire for Christ once. Completly alive for no other reason but for Jesus. Then something happened, I am not even sure exactly what happened but gradually day after day I started to walk away from Christ.
Now, as I sit here today I realize that I am as far away from christ as I have been in many years. And although I know how great my life was and how happy I was when I was living completly for Jesus I still have this "flesh" that is scared to go back to Jesus. I know I "want" to but I don't want to miss out on what this world is offering me.
I relaize that am starting to talk in circles, but it is all so confussing to me!
I want to change, but I don't want to change!?!
"IT JUST FEELS SAFFER IF BOTH GUYS WALK AWAY FROM THE SHOOTOUT."
Then no one has to die and nobody has to get hurt. Confused? I sure am!
Please read this comment in a loving tone and not harshly...
I think the lie that we believe is that it would be safer to walk away from the shootout. While it may be easier, I really doubt it would be safer. A life lived selfishly in the long run is not safe at all.
15+ years ago when I decided to surrender myself to the Lord. I made the decision that God could do a better job of managing my life than I could. I had made a mess of things by constantly living to please myself. I also came to the realization that He is sovereign and I really couldn't withhold anything from Him anyway (money, relationships, health, etc.); all of that He could take away in a moment if He chose to, whether I was surrendered to Him or not.
I've also discovered that I can be cool (at least in my own mind :-) and enjoy life more when I don't have the guilt and condemnation of living for the world rather than Christ following me.
My "flesh" still wants to rule my life and that is where the battle will always be as long as we are in these bodies. That is where the 'showdown' happens daily.
In a way, I'm glad you are wrestling with these thoughts because it means that God is trying to get your attention. You will need to make a decision which side of the fence you want to fall. My pastor used to say, "If you are going to be a 'sinner' be the best sinner you can be. But if you are going to be a Christian be the best Christian you can be." The choice is yours - but both guys can't walk away from this shootout and be safe.
I don't know who you are - but know that I love you. If you would like, we could set up a time to talk in person. I'm as close as the phone.
I could not agree with you more! It is definitly easier to just walk away. It may not be safer, but at the time it feels safer.
I guess the problem/question is... How do I want to quit being of this world more? How can I make myself love Jesus more, because the fact is I want to, and I know that I should.
The problem is maybe that I don't want to enough? I am praying daily about this, but sometimes I feel like I am so far away from Jesus now that he does not even hear my prayers.
I hear what you are saying. Be assured that Christ hears your prayers. The feelings of distance comes from our end of the relationship. Those times that I feel like God would like to be done with me I remember the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32)
Glad to hear that you are making this a matter of prayer; know that I will be praying for you this evening.
As I left church today I had a thought that I could not and still have not gotten out of my head...
ReplyDeleteI stand on the dusty road facing a man for the high noon shootout. This man is the coolest man in town, no one has beaten him ever! Everyone likes him and he has done many great things. As a stare him down he mocks me, he says "we have been here before, and you have never pulled the trigger, what makes you think you are going to do it today!?!"
Somehow as I stare him in the eyes, I can see his thoughts. He thinks about many things of this world, he is haveing a tremndous amount of fun as he does each one. He has many really cool memories from earthly things. He seems to be a really happy man. For a momment I actually wish I was him. I think to myself "I can not compete with him. He has never been beaten, he has so many friends, he is so cool."
I look around myself, I am alone, no one is cheering me on. I see someone or something, but I am not sure excatly what it is and I am sure not going to find out. It looks like it might be something that can help me, but na... I have to do this alone. I have to shoot him, but why? why are we even at this shootout?
I turn back to the man and look again, I see deeper in his thoughts, I see past the fake front, He is begging for someone to help him, something seems to be missing deep inside. He asking for someone to shoot him. He is not even going to draw his shooter, he is going to let me shoot him.
Flash back to the street, now his friends are mocking me! I am still all alone. Why am I alone?Finally he speaks.
He says to me, "you draw first, I am not going to shoot unless you draw first. I am not wasting my bullets on someone like you. Come on you wuss draw your shooter."
I am shaking, if a draw and lose I will die, if I draw and win everyone else will hate me for killin him. What do I do? I do what I have done everyother day I have stood here. (You see I have done this many days before and have never drawn the shooter.) I look down at the ground, turn around and walk away. Thinking... I will draw tomorrow, I will show everyone tomorow. Yet I know deep down that the next day will be the same as the last.
If you didn't already have it figured out. The cool guy is "cool me" the other is "christian me." You know the one that gets to come out on Sunday morning while "cool me" sleeps in and occasionaly when I hang out with other christians.
The question is, how do I kill "cool me" how do I pull the trigger. Is it possible to say that I don't like cool me, but I am scared to not be cool me anymore. I want him to die, but just not yet maybe later? But will later ever come? I struggle daily and for a time now I have lost the struggle daily.
I walk away from the shootout... patialy upset, partialy releived that I get to be cool me another day.
You know the biggest problem is each day, at the shootout I seem to get further away, I seem to have less ammo, the odds of me shooting cool me looks to be less with every passing day.
When will this end?
Me,
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting your thoughts and struggle. I talked about this very thing in the 8:30 service and failed to talk about it in the 10:30 service.
It seems that the longer I go without dying to myself (my flesh, my ego, my selfishness...) the harder it is in the long run. I can identify with your struggle, and so could the Apostle Paul (see Romans 7). I have to remind myself that daily Christian living is really daily Christian dying (emphasis on "daily"). I'm finding the 'showdown' with myself is never easy, but it is easier once I've developed the habit of placing Christ in the place of prominence that He belongs.
I'm praying that both you and I can continually "go down in a blaze; for God's glory".
How do you WANT to change but not want to change?
ReplyDeleteYou see, I was on fire for Christ once. Completly alive for no other reason but for Jesus. Then something happened, I am not even sure exactly what happened but gradually day after day I started to walk away from Christ.
Now, as I sit here today I realize that I am as far away from christ as I have been in many years. And although I know how great my life was and how happy I was when I was living completly for Jesus I still have this "flesh" that is scared to go back to Jesus. I know I "want" to but I don't want to miss out on what this world is offering me.
I relaize that am starting to talk in circles, but it is all so confussing to me!
I want to change, but I don't want to change!?!
"IT JUST FEELS SAFFER IF BOTH GUYS WALK AWAY FROM THE SHOOTOUT."
Then no one has to die and nobody has to get hurt. Confused? I sure am!
Please read this comment in a loving tone and not harshly...
ReplyDeleteI think the lie that we believe is that it would be safer to walk away from the shootout. While it may be easier, I really doubt it would be safer. A life lived selfishly in the long run is not safe at all.
15+ years ago when I decided to surrender myself to the Lord. I made the decision that God could do a better job of managing my life than I could. I had made a mess of things by constantly living to please myself. I also came to the realization that He is sovereign and I really couldn't withhold anything from Him anyway (money, relationships, health, etc.); all of that He could take away in a moment if He chose to, whether I was surrendered to Him or not.
I've also discovered that I can be cool (at least in my own mind :-) and enjoy life more when I don't have the guilt and condemnation of living for the world rather than Christ following me.
My "flesh" still wants to rule my life and that is where the battle will always be as long as we are in these bodies. That is where the 'showdown' happens daily.
In a way, I'm glad you are wrestling with these thoughts because it means that God is trying to get your attention. You will need to make a decision which side of the fence you want to fall. My pastor used to say, "If you are going to be a 'sinner' be the best sinner you can be. But if you are going to be a Christian be the best Christian you can be." The choice is yours - but both guys can't walk away from this shootout and be safe.
I don't know who you are - but know that I love you. If you would like, we could set up a time to talk in person. I'm as close as the phone.
I could not agree with you more! It is definitly easier to just walk away. It may not be safer, but at the time it feels safer.
ReplyDeleteI guess the problem/question is... How do I want to quit being of this world more? How can I make myself love Jesus more, because the fact is I want to, and I know that I should.
The problem is maybe that I don't want to enough? I am praying daily about this, but sometimes I feel like I am so far away from Jesus now that he does not even hear my prayers.
I hear what you are saying. Be assured that Christ hears your prayers. The feelings of distance comes from our end of the relationship. Those times that I feel like God would like to be done with me I remember the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32)
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear that you are making this a matter of prayer; know that I will be praying for you this evening.